My course is closing this week, so today I got out for 1 last round
I walk up to the tee and am greeted by my new favourite degenerate gem of a golfer ever
He asks me if I want to ride with him and I had already walked the last two days in a row so I said what the hell, strap me in
The next 2 hours were life changing
Within 30 seconds I can tell my new buddy is hurting
He says to me, as he’s hacking out a lung, he hopes I don’t mind if he smokes
I don’t
He’s basically making sounds I’ve only heard from barn animals. When I ask him why he’s hurting he proceeds to tell me he just got off a 24 hour poker bender that ended at 8 am, but he’s made it to the course for an 11 am tee time
The first shot is rough, shanks it wide right, but hits a tree and is in the rough
He swears, I laugh, and he said today’s about to be fun
Second shot he absolutely stripes, 220 yard 5 wood, straight down the fairway, and leaves himself about 80 yards in.
After taking my second shot he rolls up to his third, screams Texas wedge and puts an 80 yard putt to tap in distance and drains an 18 incher for par
By the second hole I’ve learned he’s going through a divorce and the two days without his kids are there to make up for the other 5 he’s working too hard to keep it together.
On 2 he cracks open a flask, takes a swing he refers to as a leveller and that’s when I realized he’s still quite drunk (fortunately, he got a ride to the course with his buddy in the group ahead of him)
1st shot was ok, we’re on a par 5, second shot he’s pissed about his lie because he has to get around a tree, but yells, this one’s about to be bent like a cheap hooker. He was right, he hit a miraculously shot and leaves himself 80 out. Third shot he sends long and it’s gone. He gives up on the hole in pain
I finish the hole, get back to the cart and he’s got hookers open on his phone in full size at only a 60 yr looks at things on his phone
He lets out a grunt, looks at me and says, fucking life eh man
I burst out laughing. I’m here for it
His hits a brutal tee shot. Gets back to the cart and says to me “the booze didn’t level me out, you got your car keys on you” and I know where he’s going with this.
I couldn’t say no, I needed to know. Reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out an 8 ball. It’s a bit windy. He dips tries to get it up in there, misses but hits a little. Without missing a beat, he makes another 1 liner that sent me into heaven
“A birdie can’t fly without 2 wings”
Another dip of the key and he strikes
Does a shiver that anyone whose ever done a key bump can relate to.
Looks at me and says
“At least I’m sober again”
He bogeys 4, pars 5 and on 6 tells me about his 75k divorce lawyer bill and counting
He proceeded to take 3 more bumps, 4 more swigs and yells at every other person we see on the course
Did I mention this is a 20k a year private course and he’s been a member 20 years.
Every guy he sees yells back at him
“2 wings or 1 today”
He ended up 3 over, not including the hole he conceded, wrote his number on a scorecard because he was too jittery to put my number in his phone and started a golf friendship for life
I had to tell you all, because I had the best 9 holes of my life
I didn’t play well, but it didn’t matter, I made a new friend for life
I hope you all get to play with a legend like D someday